Last night I found myself crying. To my shame, I should have been in tears so much earlier about what happened between you and me.
The truth is that I haven’t been able to cry about it until now. I was consumed by anger and hatred for all the things you put me through. I kept replaying those moments over and over again in my head every time that I thought of you, until finally your face became synonymous with pain in my mind. I erased the truth of who you are with petty resentment and bitter thoughts.
And then last night I found myself in tears. I wasn’t crying because of what you’d done to me, or because of the pain I was choosing to relive again. I was crying because I finally saw how incredibly sad what happened between you and me was.
Because there was a time when I held so much love in my heart for you. There was a time when I saw you through God’s eyes, when I saw the beauty and light in you. There was a time when we were friends.
And then somehow, somewhere down the line, I let unforgiveness and bitterness creep into my heart. You did some bad things, and I did some bad things, and before I knew it we’d lost the precious thing that was our friendship. Where there had been so much grace and love darkness and contempt brewed instead.
I thought I could never forgive you. I thought that I could never get past the bad things you’d done to me. And then it struck me. However genuinely bad and uncool some of that stuff was, there was nothing, absolutely nothing, worse than us losing the precious and irreplaceable thing that was our friendship.
I think that part of why I was so angry was that, for me at least, it feels a lot less painful to be angry than it does to feel the full force of sadness about what happened.
I know that this doesn’t change the past. The issues are very real. The past can’t be changed. But I’ve finally remembered that there was a time when I was blessed by you, when I genuinely cherished you in my heart and in my mind. And to know that I allowed the memory of the genuinely good things that we shared to be lost is just the saddest thing I think I’ve ever heard.
I think I need to put a different priority on things. Because prioritising my hurt above showing you grace just isn’t working out for me. I don’t like the person that it’s made me one bit, and I can’t spend another day murdering you in my heart.